Why do atheists marry? Hemant Metha at Friendly Atheist addressed this question from a Christian woman, in a post on the site a couple of weeks ago. Well, the answers should be clear to anyone thinking straight, but you can read them anyway in the comment section.
My question is, why shouldn’t atheists marry? Are there specific, worthy wins for being actively unmarried (what a concept!) or is it just shooting yourself in the foot if you do want to get married and don’t in order to make a statement? Is the payoff worth the action, or are you shouting into the wind?
Actively living as an atheist in a society that assumes many religious expectations and behaviours does require effort, sometimes effort that feels as frustrating to give as it would be to give the status quo any attention at all, because the point is that you don’t subscribe to it. You want to live your life separate from it. You don’t want it to be a framing concept. You just want to live your life.
So it’s bothersome, that in order to live a life free from religious pressure, oppression, repression and injustice, all those things need to be addressed anyway, even if it is just by firm and loud rejection. And since actions speak louder than words, our non-participation in certain religiously considered (whether they have religious foundations or not) events could be said to make the greatest statement, and have the greatest effect of all, on changing these perceptions and expectations.
Or it could mean that by our non-participation – acknowledging commonly held religious stances, especially on acts that are not foundationally religious – we’re actually sending out the wrong message and encouraging the perpetuation that things like marriage, for example, belong to religion.
What do you think? How much did/are you considering this in your own decisions as an atheist? Or as an atheist marrying an non-atheist, or a theist marrying an atheist?
I’m getting married (to another atheist!) in March. It never even crossed my mind that being an atheist could influence my decision either way. (I am, of course, insisting on a secular wedding. No superstition allowed).
It’s great that you’ve found another atheist! I don’t know any out-and-out atheists in my day to day life, but then again my social circle doesn’t really encourage it. That’s changing though, of course.
I know a shite-load of atheists. We should do a Skeptics in the Pub, and you can meet some of them!
Hey Nessie!
I read an article a couple of weeks ago, in which the author said that writing God with a small g, as some atheists do, would seem so childish as saying “look at me and see how naughty I am, not writing your god as GOD!”.
It makes sense. Personally, I’m not pleased with idea of getting married, but it doesn’t have anything to do with religion. We must, as you said, draw a clear distinction between the rituals that became our cultural uses and the meaning they had some time ago. Just like writing “God” makes it easy to identify that you’re talking about the christian’s god, even if you don’t believe in “gods”.
Totally. The god/God issue I deal with as the moment strikes me, really. I don’t feel too passionate about it either way. I usually write God because like you say, it identifies the Christian god, but also because I’m just used to it I guess. I do make a point of using ‘god’ when talking about the concept or any other religion, but it’s usually something I have to check over afterwards because I don’t pay it much attention while writing. I would agree with you on the point of marriage.
A reason that you shouldn’t get married — cuz you don’t want to. Really. That’s it. I refuse to feel that there’s a “should” that should dictate my behavior in something as personal as the question of marriage. Marriage isn’t a religious institution — it’s a cultural one. We don’t need to give the Christians and others any more reasons to be comfortable in their smug assurance that these things “belong to them.” Marriage seems to be a human universal — certainly, pair-bonding is, and humans love an excuse to add some ceremony and a wicked party to celebrate most anything. The key is to take charge of it, and be loud and proud of how we redefine and re-conceptualize these things. I think it’s a far more powerful statement to reclaim and re-engineer something than it is to sit on the sidelines muttering no.
Hear hear! Sheesh, your comment made me feel like 5 seconds after Obama’s ‘Yes We Can’. *grin* I totally agree, that sounds like a waaaaaay better idea than the alternatives.
I made a conscious decision many years ago that I won’t marry. I realized that the effort involved in keeping a marriage together is simply too draining, leaving hardly any room for the couple to actually enjoy the partnership. The pressures to conform…
I’ve never actually felt pressured to “continue the family name/heritage” as I feel that’s kind of primitive. I also for some reason don’t feel the so-called evolutionary urge to perpetuate the human species. I like to brag to myself that I’ve evolved beyond those primitive instincts.
As an Indian atheist, my options are severely limited; I don’t think it would be right to impose on another Indian theist as most Indians most certainly are. As a non-conformist, I must surely be a disappointment to most women. Anyway, I don’t have much to offer in most departments on a long term basis. But, I’m positively happy and content, none the less.
Sounds great!