I just got out of the car, having had a conversation (should call it a monologue, really, since I don’t talk much in the morning and his idea of a conversation is more of a lofty preach) with my father, who often says things that both amaze and shock me. Most of his gems are conversational faux pas, but every once in a while he says something that really gets me wondering if he’s alright in the upstairs.
This morning we took a different route to work because a traffic light wasn’t working on the usual route yesterday and my father didn’t want to run into traffic again. We ended up taking a fairly straight, if longer route through a very popular part of Durban, where there are a lot of old houses and fancy buildings that have turned into shops and businesses. The miserable sinus sniffling coming from my side of the car didn’t deter my father from trying to have a full-on conversation (actually, I think he prefers it when it’s just him talking) with me, but he went on to talk about what this area of the city was like in the past. Now normaly I find this at least interesting, but this time he started with a sentence that made my blood run cold. My thoughts in italic.
“You know, back in the apartheid days this whole area used to be whites, living here. Very nice whites.”
Very nice whites? I’m not even asking. What, they let you ride your bike in their street?
“But that’s what I say,” (my father particularly loves this phrase), “I think that whole apartheid thing was more about the blacks, you know?”
Balk. This is not going anywhere pleasant.
“I think we Indians were actually lucky, it wasn’t about us so much.”
What the …? Hello, townships, Indians were considered ‘black’ until apartheid ended… Cato Manor uprisings, Mahatma Gandhi etc. etc.?
“But that’s what I say, at least crime wasn’t such a problem during that time, you know?”
… Of course the kind of crime today wasn’t a problem then – people were too busy fighting for their lives and fighting inequality. Apartheid crimes, holocaust kind of stuff. What the fuck are you on about today?!
Me: “We’re talking about completely different levels and kinds of crime here… you can’t compare the two.”
“Yah, but there wasn’t crime like how you see now, all these kind of fellas, they would have locked them up.”
Of course there wasn’t crime like how we see now, there was a completely different kind of crime going on, crime against humanity! And this, all this is a result of that shit! And you’re sitting here acting like you’re sad the ‘animals’ got released – if we were here less than 100 years ago we would have been counted along with them!
Me:”Yes, but you’re talking about “petty” crime here.”
“Yah.”
At this point we’d arrived at my destination and I had to get out of the car, so the ‘conversation’ was over. He seems to be a on a roll this week, can’t wait for the ride home.
You know, context is everything. Let me give you an example. When I grew up we used the term Fag alot. Now it had nothing to do with someone being homosexual, we used it to mean the guy was weak or like a girl(which I know isnt very good either lol.) What Im getting at is that, one day you will be having conversations with your kid(s) and they will probably be thinking exactly what you think about your dad. You too will one day say some strange things in regards to how you viewed the past. Remember that when you see that typical strange look on your kids face.
Hey there. Thanks for the comment. I do get the idea that one day I will probably say things that my kid will think is weird and possibly even wrong – but there is no “alternative” meaning or use for the words ‘apartheid’ and the sentiments my father expressed. There’s never a ‘good excuse’ for racism, and it’s especially disappointing in this circumstance and context because he is effectively ignoring the fact that the kind of ‘justice’ back then also included genocide and slavery – and especially shocking because if things had continued down that road, being in the demographic we are and would have considered to be part of, neither of us might be here.
I agree, but you must remember, you are able to judge from a place of knowing. We have learned much in the last 50yrs in regards to racism and other forms of hatred. Much of what your father does or says isnt necessarily intentional. Remember he grew up in a very different time. Im not suggesting its ok to do, Im just saying, sometimes its important to cut some people some slack. Here’s a poem that sums it up nicely. Very telling for sure.
You’ve got to be taught To hate and fear,
You’ve got to be taught From year to year,
It’s got to be drummed In your dear little ear
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
You’ve got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff’rent shade,
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You’ve got to be carefully taught!
You’ve got to be carefully taught.
Sometimes the programming we get from our youth doesnt completely disappear.